Today I Learned

Suffering a severe fall in IQ is a common ailment encountered in the two years of national service. This mental retardation, while mostly temporary, may be worsened incomprehensibly and instantly simply by being a recruit or simply by wearing the combat helmet.

I experienced this first hand in a mind-numbing two hours lecture on the Geneva Conventions lectured by an Encik. The Encik, being the eloquent and knowledgeable speaker that he was, took it upon himself to liven up the lecture with some personal anecdotes and historic facts.

The list below is an exhaustive collection of these facts that I’ve been enlightened on. 

Today I learned:

  • The Lockerbie bomber was a cross-dresser;
  • There are only 27 Nobel Prize winners in the world, 20 of which are Jews;
  • Life imprisonment is actually only 14 years of imprisonment;
  • Czechoslovakia apparently fought a bloody war of separation which saw numerous war crimes and human rights violations;
  • Any photographic evidence of Caucasian soldiers mistreating Caucasian civilians must be attributed to the above-mentioned war, instead of the Balkans;
  • Osama bin Laden was killed by Delta Force, not Navy SEALs;
  • The Malayan Communist Party was defeated somehow solely because they disturbed village women;
  • Israel frequently bombs Gaza as a means to show off their technological prowess;
  • The Yom Kippur War is actually another name for the Six Day War;
  • The 2005 London bombings struck an underground metro which through shockwaves destroyed a bus above ground; 
  • MH17 was shot down because “they” (he didn’t specify who) wanted to attract international attention under the mistaken belief Najib Razak was on board;
  • Had it not been for the large amounts of cash (which, I presume, he embezzled from 1MDB) that Najib had to count, he would have been onboard MH17;
  • “Centers of civilian population” refers specifically and only to community centers;
  • “Proportionality” refers to the act of shooting back at an enemy rifleman with a bullet of the exact same caliber;
  • Tear gas is composed of pepper;
  • The US failure to achieve any clear victory in Iraq was solely because their servicemen ate ham on the same table as Iraqi Muslims;
  • Hitler loves Jews;
  • Hitler admired the superior intellect and abilities of the Jews and experimented on them to discover the reasons of their superiority;
  • In the Nazi extermination camps, human experiments that were conducted produced human subjects with three legs and two penises; 
  • Auschwitz is a European country;
  • ISIS was initially based in Egypt but were cracked down upon by the Egyptian authorities who were pro-West;
  • ISIS later migrated to Iraq and Syria from Egypt somehow; 
  • The ISIS is an amalgamation of the Mujahideen, the Taleban, Al-Qaeda, Hamas and next to every violent Islamic fundamentalist group out there;
  • The three-month long 1999 Kargil War actually lasted a year; 
  • Mikhail Gorbachev invaded Afghanistan because of perestroika. 

I understand that we live in a postmodern world of mutable realities, radical historical revisionism and existential meaningless but those two hours was a complete mind-fuck. 



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